When Counting Crows, August and Everything After CD came out, I was obsessed with it. I’m a big fan of sad songs. This CD consumed me and I started writing more than ever. I would spend my mornings sitting in traffic on 635 in Dallas on the way to work. I recall one morning very vividly. I was at 635 and Marsh Lane. I recall thinking I yearned to write some of the saddest songs ever. I spoke into my micro-cassette recorder everything sad I could find.
After writing for many years I grew out of that desire. I no longer cared about what I wrote. I wrote what I wrote and didn’t have a goal of writing any kind of song in particular.
Last night I sat at the same cigar shop I’m sitting at now. I spent an entire smoke trying to figure out what 5 songs I was going to play for my last showcase in Memphis. During this stay in Memphis I’ve been real down on my songs. I think they all suck and I don’t care to play any of them. I knew I had to muster some level of care and play one last show here. I did not feel like playing. I hated all my songs.
During song two I offered the audience either a song about a fleeting crush or a song about a kid I grew up with that I didn’t know. They choose the fleeting crush song. My line for what is sad is not the same as others. I don’t find this song particularly sad. Everyone else did though.
I finished the song and the host got a box of tissues out to offer the audience, not as a joke, as a true need. I’ve never set out to make people cry. I don’t even like that I am doing it. The saddest thing about all this to me is that my life in general has become a pit of sadness. I know I convey happiness generally and I’m not saying that I’m not happy. I’d be lying however if I didn’t say I’m completely lost in life right now. I fall deeper and deeper and it worries me. I find it hard sometimes to muster care for anything. Somehow over time I’ve just been losing all feeling. I’m not sure how to stop it.
Luckily I’m surrounded by lots of love. I don’t know where I’d be without the beautiful people in my life.
During the wave of deaths in my family a few years ago, I just hardened. I didn’t cry at my grandpa’s funeral, my moms or my uncles. That concerned me greatly.
The kicker last night was that I had two more songs coming that I consider way more sad than the fleeting crush song. I went along as planned and tried to give a little sugar with jokes between songs before pulling them back down. During my last song a tear began to escape my eye and gently rolled down my cheek. This happened when I played that same song in New Orleans a few weeks ago. Finally some emotion. Maybe there’s hope for healing yet.