Category Archives: Comedy

Poorly written short stories about animals from home Pt. 2

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Frank and Carlos were bothers and good friends of mine in high school. They lived about a block from me. I spent a great deal of time at their house. When I first met them they had an orange tabby cat that was an indoor/outdoor cat that got in tons of fights. He seemed to also be really bad at it. He was always sporting fresh wounds and when you would pet him, it felt like petting a giant scab. Well that’s actually what you were doing. It was the most haggard looking cat you can imagine. Very little of its’ orange fur left. Mostly large patches of scabs. Just seeing it walk into a room would often launch laughter from everyone in the room. It was just an absurd image.

I don’t recall the cats original name. I can only remember what his name got changed to.

The cat went missing for a few days once and came home with half of his head apparently run over by a car. It’s left eye was now swollen shut and the left side of its’ head was kinda smashed and had now turned into a giant puss bubble.

The cats new name became “Half Head”. We laughed about this for hours. It was our way to deal with the sad situation this poor cat was in.

They took it to the vet and the vet said there was nothing they could do and their best advice was to keep the cat from rubbing its’ head on anything until it hopefully heals.

You already know where this is going. How impossible of a task is it to keep a cat from not rubbing its’ head on anything for possibly weeks or months. Still we all gave it a good effort.

One day, Frank, Carlos and I walked into the kitchen. Half Head was rubbing his head on the corner of the refrigerator and Frank leaped to stop him. As Frank was just inches away from the cat, the cats’ head exploded and splattered blood and puss all over the fridge and Frank. The room filled with a smell unlike anything I have ever smelled and had the effects of mace. We all gagged trying to keep from vomiting as Frank frantically ran to the bathroom to shower. Perhaps our incessant need to laugh was the only thing that kept us from launching into a vomit party. Half Head died instantly.

We cleaned the kitchen while covering our mouths with towels, then we gave Half Head a proper burial in the backyard.

Best Birthday Present

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This year some friends came to visit me in Austin, TX. We did our usually things. We ate ourselves silly and went swimming at Barton Springs.

This picture was captured on my birthday by one of my friends visiting (Robbie Wilson). I should mention that the front of the thong has a zipper.

There’s a lot of things about this photo to enjoy. Enjoy!

Photo of Robert Steel and an old man in a thong.

Time traveler claims Battlefield Earth will be hailed as a great movie in 2037

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Scientist Scott McGregor claims he has successfully time traveled and was shocked to find that in the year 2037 Battlefield Earth is hailed as one of the greatest movies to date.

He claims that in 2032 a global recession is the coup de grace to the art of film-making. Hollywood decides instead of making new movies they will simply recycle movies in place of essentially making the same movies over and over again.

According to Scott, other blockbusters include the entire works of Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer (Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Scary Movie, 2, 3, 4), Glitter (Mariah Carey) and Daddy Day Camp, which he says wins Cuba Gooding Jr. his first Oscar.

A direct quote and possibly the most discouraging of his confessions, “Gigli is the gone with the wind of tomorrow… well tomorrow in 2037”.

In your name we pray, Ramen

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Many of us have gone through what we call, “The Ramen Times”. Many of us (myself included) have even put pen to paper and discovered that we can eat an entire month for around $15. This maximizes money for cheap beer and whatever else you find yourself into. I do not want to know what that is.

However there comes a day when Ramen turns on you and you do not know when that day is going to be. When it happens it can throw a wrench into your beloved budget plan. Here are tips to maximize the amount of time Ramen is a beloved gift raining down from the salty God of awesomeness.

Tip #1

Just because the juice is there, doesn’t mean you always have to drink it. Mix it up a bit. Try boiling the noodles, draining them, then adding the spice packet to them. This makes for a richer flavor and less slime potential.

Tip #2

Make sure not to overcook the noodles. Master the cooking of them and don’t let them get soggy.

Tip #3

You must eat Ramen at as hot of a temperature as you can take without burning your mouth. Stay very close to your bowl of Ramen and monitor the temperature closely.

The reasons Ramen can turn on you boil down to cold and/or slimy. Either of these can cause you to not even be able to look at Ramen going forward.

Many of us have fallen the same way. We think, Ramen takes a while to cool down. We’ll just let it set a while and come back to it. Then we come back after it is a little too cold and it hits our mouths like slugs and it is game over.

Then it is on to the new food era of mac and cheese, which while cheap can more than double your food bill to $30-$40 a month and then how are you going to afford all that debauchery?