Category Archives: Fiction

Time traveler claims Battlefield Earth will be hailed as a great movie in 2037

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Scientist Scott McGregor claims he has successfully time traveled and was shocked to find that in the year 2037 Battlefield Earth is hailed as one of the greatest movies to date.

He claims that in 2032 a global recession is the coup de grace to the art of film-making. Hollywood decides instead of making new movies they will simply recycle movies in place of essentially making the same movies over and over again.

According to Scott, other blockbusters include the entire works of Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer (Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Scary Movie, 2, 3, 4), Glitter (Mariah Carey) and Daddy Day Camp, which he says wins Cuba Gooding Jr. his first Oscar.

A direct quote and possibly the most discouraging of his confessions, “Gigli is the gone with the wind of tomorrow… well tomorrow in 2037”.

Mother involved in three-way with son, teacher

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It is one of the most bizarre cases of teacher/student relations to come out this year. A mother is arrested for having three-way sex with her son and female teacher.

The story was originally leaked on the boys facebook page. His status update read, “Just had a three-way with my mom and my 3rd period teacher. Booyah!” Though none of his peers saw this, his grandmother is his friend on facebook and reported it to the police. He had completely forgotten he had friended his grandmother and regrets that she reported it to the police. He later posted, “Don’t ever friend your grandmother. EVER!”

The mother has provided some insight as to how this relationship started. She had attended a parent/teacher conference and said it was clear there was some sexual chemistry between her and the teacher. In an attempt to explore this, the mother invited the teacher over for dinner under the guise of further discussing the development of her son.

The teacher has confessed that at that dinner the wine was flowing pretty heavily among all parties and that the Pizza Hut™ pasta was surprisingly good, just like the commercials state. The next thing she knew the clothes were off and they were all covered in alfredo sauce. She has been instructed by her attorney not to say any more.

The principal of the high school had this to say, “We have temporarily suspended the teacher pending further investigation. It is yet unclear what the teachers role was in having a three-way with the boy and his mother. Was she merely having sexual relations with the mother, while the son only participated with his mother as well or was it your standard run of the mill three-way in which all parties were getting it on with each other? Is it a violation of the teacher if the parent is consenting in the relationship? Any way you slice it the consensus around the teachers lounge is that it is really fucked up, but yet strangely kinda hot”.

The boy has not yet returned to school, but has leaped from being unpopular to the most popular boy in school. His classmates have gathered outside his house and he can occasionally be seen from the window giving them a “thumbs up”.

In interviewing the students outside the house we have been surprised to discover the overwhelming positive support for these actions. Some girls even say they are now interested in going out with the boy. When asked why, they say it is because he must be really experienced and are curious as to how good he is in the sack.

The mother has been charged with providing alcohol to a minor and sexual assault. She has been divorced from the boys father for only several months.

We contacted the father, but only let it ring once and it was not immediately returned. Although it was returned 15 seconds later, but it was too late at that point and honestly his response was rather boring.

Pizza Hut™ released a memo stating they were unaware that their pasta caused euphoric, sweet hot ass three-way sex, but have already begun working up a new ad campaign with the working title “Alfredo her while you Tuscani me”. They also added they in no way condone the mother and teachers actions and send their condolences to the boy.

Parents blame teens suicide on facebook

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Britnee was very popular at her junior high school. She facebooked constantly and reports say up to 23 comments had been made on some of her status updates. She loved the attention so much, she would even go so far as to post things like, “I’m going to bed now” and “I’m eating with the family. Lame!”. She was happy that even posts such as these would garner so much attention.

She even once exclaimed to her mother while they were fighting, “You know how many e-mails I get a day, like almost hundreds!” She felt on top of the world.

It was not until summer break that she found out how cruel the world can be. She went on a family vacation and had forgotten her iphone charger. She left the house with it already low on battery. She was able to get in one just a few text messages before it dying.

Her mother recalls the trip. “It was hard on all of us. None of us remembered chargers and we were on a remote island. There were no chargers there and concierge were so stupid they couldn’t even come up with one. It was a terrible vacation. None of us could facebook and rub this in our friends faces. Such a waste of a trip”.

That island paradise trip was especially hard on Britnee. She had no communication with the world she loved. No communication with friends. The only thing that kept her going was she knew she would have thousands of e-mails from facebook and tons of text messages when she got home. She was shocked to find she had none. Not one. No one seemed to care that she was gone for 5 whole days.

She went into her parents bedroom and took 27 bottles of various prescription medicine bottles. Then went upstairs to her room and proceeded to take every pill from every bottle, washing them down with cool, refreshing Evian water. On a Friday night, a night she would usually be out and about with friends, but ignoring them while facebooking other people about how awesome her life is. Instead she was lying unconscious in her bedroom. Her iphone was on the charger, but it too was not making a sound.

It was not until Monday night that her body was discovered. Her parents had not realized she had not gone to school. They got a wall post on their facebook from the school reporting her absence. What made it worse was all day while at work they bantered on facebook saying things like, “She probably missed the bus and is actually having to walk. Good. She needs the exercise LMFAO!” and “Does she even know how to walk? I don’t remember teaching her! LOL!”

Things have been so bad the parents have considered closing their facebook account, but have decided to turn it into a tribute to their daughter. Even setting up a way to receive donations for the trial.

The family is no longer speaking to the press and have directed all matters to their attorney. Their attorney held a press conference saying, “It is clear to the family who is to blame for this atrocity and we have filed a suit against facebook so that other parents won’t have to go through this same embarrassment”.

Her funeral is this Saturday. Her parents ask that people attend the funeral in lieu of facebooking their condolences.

Calls were made to facebook, but not immediately returned.